Rhyd Wildermuth Says It Better Than I Could

I have been meaning to write a post about what my spiritual life has been like recently, but it turns out I don't have to because Rhyd Wildermuth at Paganarch.com has already written it. Run, go, and read it. It's beautiful and perfectly captures how I have been feeling lately.

Talking Tourette's

Well, I didn't imagine I'd be writing about THIS today, but it seems like a good time to bring it up. Over on this post, a commenter joked that another blogger needs to "overcome her Tourrets [sic]" in reference to her propensity to curse when she's angry. He got called out on his ableism -- rightly -- and deleted that portion of the comment, but I thought I'd use it as a springboard to talk about Tourette's (or Tourette) Syndrome, which I will call TS from here on out, and tic disorders, because I happen to have Tourette's.

First, let's clear up the biggest misconception about TS: coprolalia, which is a sudden outburst of profanity or offensive words or phrases, while the stereotypical image of TS, only actually occurs in about 10% of people who have the disorder. Most people with Tourette's don't go around saying "shit" and "fuck" all the time, and if I could change one thing about the way people think about TS, this would be it. I don't even tell people I have TS anymore because I don't want to deal with the, "So you say fuck all the time?" comments. If it comes up, I just tell them I have a tic disorder (technically true; TS is one of several tic disorders; not everyone who tics has TS) and leave it at that.

I am pretty lucky. My TS is mild compared to some people that have it. My tics started when I was in elementary school. At least, that's when they became an issue. I remember being in second or third grade and my friends making fun of me for ticcing. I didn't know what it was at the time. All I knew is that I had a constant "itch" in my throat and nose, a constant compulsion to make these noises, to move and jerk.

My main tics, which are still with me today, are a kind of growl that I make in the back of my throat, jerking my head back, sniffing and wrinkling my nose, or twisting up my mouth and nose. I don't know why I do it. They have been with me as long as I can remember. I can sometimes control them, and they get worse when I am nervous, which is often, because I also have an anxiety disorder. Yay, me! I once heard someone describe it as trying to hold back a sneeze. That's how strong the compulsion can be and how difficult it can be to control it.

When I am alone or around people who know me and know about my tics, I don't think about it until someone mentions it. My tics just kind of happen, and unless I am paying attention, I sometimes don't even realize I am doing it.

When I am in public or around people I don't know very well, things get a little more difficult. Like I said, I am lucky in that most of my tics are quiet, aside from the throat clearing and sniffing. A few friends have told me that when they first met me, they just though I had a really annoying cold. I get a lot of people asking me if I need a tissue! However, I still feel very uncomfortable trying to keep track of my ticcing and try my hardest to control them. Sometimes, I can keep it to a minimum. At other times, I have to excuse myself. It really depends on the situation.

Some people with TS have severe tics. Some bark or yell quite loudly, and some have motor (physical) tics that can be debilitating. Some DO have coprolalia, but as I mentioned before, the majority of people with Tourette's DO NOT.

There is no cure for Tourette's, but there is treatment. Some people have to take medication; some just need behavioral therapy. I never had to take meds, and my therapy was minimal (I needed far more intensive treatment for my depression and anxiety) because my tics, while a daily thing, were not debilitating. I had a fairly normal childhood, and aside from being seen as weird and getting made fun of (usually for things other than my tics), it wasn't that big of a deal.

For the most part, my TS does not affect my day-to-day life, and I am extremely lucky for it. I don't talk about it too much, but I thought I would throw it out there as it's come up in the Pagan blogosphere recently. If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

Modeling Works Both Ways: Beware the Broken

If you do what someone does, you'll get what they have and you'll become what they are. Modeling works. It's powerful, and it can lead both to success and failure. Remember that when you wonder if it would be a good idea to emulate the practices of someone (whether those practices are magical or mundane.) If someone promises you that their advice will make you successful, don't listen to their words. Look at what they are. Examine their lives, their thinking, their results.

It bothers me to see so many messed up, dysfunctional occultists, witches, and other magical practitioners handing out advice to their followers and readers. If someone's magical practice has turned them into a credulous wreck, you would be wise to look elsewhere for advice. If you believe that spending long years drug-addled, gullible, and paranoid is a necessary step to "enlightenment," then by all means, go ahead and do it. But if you want to become successful in the real world, you may want to rethink your strategy and adjust accordingly.

I have had the opportunity to meet people who are incredibly successful by just about every metric -- personally, physically, financially, romantically -- and none of them, NOT ONE, has been a magic user in the way that most people think of it. They have all been extremely efficient at using psychology to get their way (whether intentionally or not), but none of them got where they are by firing off sigilis while they masturbate in their bedrooms. And if they DID use some sort of magic to get where they are, they don't talk about it.

Now, there are a lot of ways to measure success, and, certainly, some people desire the kinds of trippy, synchronicity-filled experiences that so many occultists end up living through, but a lot of them come out of it broken because they are modeling what broken people do instead of modeling success. The Work is dangerous, yes, and many people will be broken simply by virtue of attempting to attain it, but you will up your chances for success considerably by carefully assessing who it is that you choose to call "teacher."

If your desire to do magic is driven by a desire to succeed on a mundane level, do not seek out someone who is attempting to rewire their reality for internal peak experiences. Seek out someone who is successful on a mundane level. Of course, the danger of that is you might not hear what you want to hear. You might hear that instead of sigils and grimoires and spells, you're going to have to go out and get a real career and network with boring people and go to the gym and do the mundane, tedious WORK that creates the foundation for success. And nobody wants that, right?

The "magical" path as it is usually presented online is littered with the fractured psyches of those who employed nonsense to get nowhere. Watch your step.

Ungrounded

Good lord, there is a lot of energy flying around today. My hands are shaking and my anxiety has ramped up big time. I thought that it was JUST anxiety until I noticed the dogs acting weird and went for a little walk. The hot spots around the neighborhood are LIT UP. I had to ground a shit-ton of extra energy into one of my traps, and I still feel a little buzzed and jittery. I need to put it to good use. I've already done some cleaning, but I think I need to get back outside. This is more than my traps can handle. I need to get rooted into the earth and let some of this go.